Everything’s okay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is a writing about allowing, and how awareness must go hand in hand with it. And a gratitude for Julie (all though none of you know her, she has a true talent for transmitting the dharma into daily practical life).

 

Toady I sat down with my case manager (psychiatric), for the first time. Since I woke up this morning I was extremely anxious (as always) but a little more so because I believed I was going to spend and hour and a half explaining the process of somatic meditation. That everything I was experiencing was not a problem, but rather a result of an intentional unfolding. This has generally not gone over well with mental health professionals in my past.

Now, all that I am experiencing is enormously disabling. My body is in a constant state of shock; alternating between high-reverberating horror, complete numbness, utter despair, etc. (you get it). But I will not abandon the only truth I know; I stepped into this. I stepped into it willingly. I had no idea that what layed deep beneath the surface was going to be this hard to experience. But the thing is, my body has been experiencing it my whole life. I was just unaware of it.  And now, I’m allowing it.

During the meeting with my case manager, she asked what my goals were. And I kept saying, “I don’t know…I’m completely confused. I have no idea what to say to that.”

Finally she replied, “Dennis. You are not confused. You have more awareness about your  illness, symptoms, how to deal with them and self than any client I’ve ever met. So I have to say, what are you confused about?” She said this with a small smile acknowledging that she knew what I was confused about (as all good therapists do. they want YOU to realize it).

And so I did.

 

What am I confused about?

 

I’m confused about the process.

 

I can’t seem to go to the store without throwing up form anxiety and terror. I’m constantly exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I black-out losing hours  of the day at a time. And while I know I need to honor all of this and allow space and compassion, there is still a thought that I “need” to be functional.

 

There is still a part of me that won’t let go and just not judge myself for not being a “productive” person. job, family, etc…I can do it for everyone else. In fact, I’d get upset if someone else in my situation even thought about doing anything else than allowing themselves to heal. So that’s where the confusion lies.

I want to be able to see my kids everyday. I want to be able to go to the store and not throw up. I want to be able to sleep in the same house as my kids and not worry if I’m going to hurt them during a blackout.

In the words of many folks from my lineage, “it doesn’t matter what you want.” This is the process of healing.

And then Julies’ words came into my head wile I was sitting there, “what if everything was o.k.?”

 

And that’s it folks.

 

Everything is o.k. Not in the sense that I feel wonderful and the world is overflowing with love, but that everything that I’m experiencing is o.k.

 

It’s o.k. if I’m freaking out. It’s ok if I feel like dying when everyone is laughing. It’s ok if I feel like laughing when everyone is crying. The reason I’m so messed up right now is because I always told myself that my experience was invalid. That it wasn’t ok to feel, think, experience what I was at that time.So it’s just working all that out right now.

 

The thing is, whatever I am experiencing right now, it’s ok. Everything is ok. And I can rest in that.

My experience of PTSD; a question posed

A fellow blogger asked my experience this morning; soooo;

“I’ve been told that PTSD is a lifelong struggle. I’ve been given the impression that I’m going to have to keep fighting this every day, forever.

I’m looking for some hope. Has anyone here recovered from PTSD? Or well on their way to recovery? Is recovery possible?

Please, share. ”

 

 

Well, it’s hard to say how long it will last/how frequent the episodes are/how intense the flashbacks are, etc.   I myself suffer from blackouts ( among all the other sucking illnesses; Major Depression, DID, Anxiety Disorder, Schizophrenic features, hallucinations, etc,) so I’ll be walking down the street and wake up a day and a half later in another state 🙂 But I usually have have remissions of the blackouts for 6 – 10 months where there are no blackouts. The key is finding the right combination of medicine and therapy. Both the medicine and the therapist have to be a perfect fit.

 

BUT, you do have to realize that in a lot of cases this is a PHYSICAL illness involving brain chemistry. For a lot of people simple therapy will not do alone. It is an illness similar to cancer, lupus, etc. It may be with you the rest of your life, but like folks dealing with those illnesses, a lot of that time can be symptom free as long you follow a medical plan.

Some of the best experiences of my life have been since I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD.  We just have to stick with a treatment plan and allow ourselves space to experience it without shame or self-jugdement. I’m finding the shame (weakness) aspect is huge among our culture regarding PTSD, especially among us former soldiers.

Please feel free to contact me at anytime to discuss anything, even if to only vent frustration.

 

With great love,

Dennis Welch

woihrt@yahoo.com

708-733-3516

Interesting fact I learned about photo saving

TIFF and PNG are lossless files, and will retain all data found in the original image file, no matter how many times you change or resave them. Working with these types of files is the best way to ensure optimum results for your prints. However, the drawback is they have extremely large file sizes, which can be more cumbersome to work with and upload to your Imagekind galleries.

JPEG’s have smaller file sizes due to the compression methods used. A JPEG is a lossy file, so if it is edited and saved many times it will degrade because too much compression can cause the images to lose information. Over time, this will result in an unprintable image file. The amount of data lost can be controlled by the JPEG quality settings function when saving your file in Photoshop. A high-quality JPEG can be an excellent compromise between file size and image dependability. JPEG files are smaller size, and therefore faster to upload to your Imagekind galleries.

DEFINITIONS
Lossless
Files that are lossless or use lossless compression retain all data found in the original file no matter how many times you change or resave them. The integrity of the file information is most important – so these files can be very large.
Lossy
These files lose data over time as they are edited and saved due to their compression methods. For a lossy file, size of the file is more important than the file contents.

TIPS & TRICKS
Have faster uploads while keeping your images perfect!
We recommend doing any editing or Photoshop work with a lossless original (such as a TIF file), and then saving the file as a highest-quality JPEG. This will keep any editing from degrading your files, but allow you to have quicker uploads.
I found this info on imagekind.com
I’m going to start selling some artwork I’ve done. Hope it’s useful.

Freed Fireflies

Illusory veils

Blankets upon the mind

Capturing up moments

like imprisoned fireflies

Heed the warmth, flicker-flame

As awareness becomes fire

Fuel for the journey

Coals of desire

Waiting Room

Tonight I sit with riddled awe

For I could not convey what I saw

A lack of perspective?  Not the right words?

Once again I’ve met a solid wall

Offered a bit of empty self

It was received as self-righteousness

So now I see no matter my attempt

It’ll often be greeted by mortar and cement.

Sisyphus (repost)

 

Half-self.

Striving to multiply

the brilliance of the sun

while our energy binds

the beauty of the night.

I just came across a blog run by a man I met at Winter Dathun last December, Ben Riggs.  His latest posting related to this poem I wrote some time ago. Glad to see the center is working out well Ben.

http://refugegroupbr.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-haunting-challenging-quote-from.html