Today is a writing about allowing, and how awareness must go hand in hand with it. And a gratitude for Julie (all though none of you know her, she has a true talent for transmitting the dharma into daily practical life).
Toady I sat down with my case manager (psychiatric), for the first time. Since I woke up this morning I was extremely anxious (as always) but a little more so because I believed I was going to spend and hour and a half explaining the process of somatic meditation. That everything I was experiencing was not a problem, but rather a result of an intentional unfolding. This has generally not gone over well with mental health professionals in my past.
Now, all that I am experiencing is enormously disabling. My body is in a constant state of shock; alternating between high-reverberating horror, complete numbness, utter despair, etc. (you get it). But I will not abandon the only truth I know; I stepped into this. I stepped into it willingly. I had no idea that what layed deep beneath the surface was going to be this hard to experience. But the thing is, my body has been experiencing it my whole life. I was just unaware of it. And now, I’m allowing it.
During the meeting with my case manager, she asked what my goals were. And I kept saying, “I don’t know…I’m completely confused. I have no idea what to say to that.”
Finally she replied, “Dennis. You are not confused. You have more awareness about your illness, symptoms, how to deal with them and self than any client I’ve ever met. So I have to say, what are you confused about?” She said this with a small smile acknowledging that she knew what I was confused about (as all good therapists do. they want YOU to realize it).
And so I did.
What am I confused about?
I’m confused about the process.
I can’t seem to go to the store without throwing up form anxiety and terror. I’m constantly exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I black-out losing hours of the day at a time. And while I know I need to honor all of this and allow space and compassion, there is still a thought that I “need” to be functional.
There is still a part of me that won’t let go and just not judge myself for not being a “productive” person. job, family, etc…I can do it for everyone else. In fact, I’d get upset if someone else in my situation even thought about doing anything else than allowing themselves to heal. So that’s where the confusion lies.
I want to be able to see my kids everyday. I want to be able to go to the store and not throw up. I want to be able to sleep in the same house as my kids and not worry if I’m going to hurt them during a blackout.
In the words of many folks from my lineage, “it doesn’t matter what you want.” This is the process of healing.
And then Julies’ words came into my head wile I was sitting there, “what if everything was o.k.?”
And that’s it folks.
Everything is o.k. Not in the sense that I feel wonderful and the world is overflowing with love, but that everything that I’m experiencing is o.k.
It’s o.k. if I’m freaking out. It’s ok if I feel like dying when everyone is laughing. It’s ok if I feel like laughing when everyone is crying. The reason I’m so messed up right now is because I always told myself that my experience was invalid. That it wasn’t ok to feel, think, experience what I was at that time.So it’s just working all that out right now.
The thing is, whatever I am experiencing right now, it’s ok. Everything is ok. And I can rest in that.