The Guest House – Rumi

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 
~ Rumi ~

Good or bad, baby…

I’m a poet, a writer, an artist and musician. I’m a meditator, a parent, a son and a friend. I’m the loved and the hated. A dreamy-fuckin-eyed romantic lover; guaranteed. A crooked-tooth, scarred-skin, battered dreamer. I am human. What can you add to my experience of this life?

-OhcgD

Everything’s okay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is a writing about allowing, and how awareness must go hand in hand with it. And a gratitude for Julie (all though none of you know her, she has a true talent for transmitting the dharma into daily practical life).

 

Toady I sat down with my case manager (psychiatric), for the first time. Since I woke up this morning I was extremely anxious (as always) but a little more so because I believed I was going to spend and hour and a half explaining the process of somatic meditation. That everything I was experiencing was not a problem, but rather a result of an intentional unfolding. This has generally not gone over well with mental health professionals in my past.

Now, all that I am experiencing is enormously disabling. My body is in a constant state of shock; alternating between high-reverberating horror, complete numbness, utter despair, etc. (you get it). But I will not abandon the only truth I know; I stepped into this. I stepped into it willingly. I had no idea that what layed deep beneath the surface was going to be this hard to experience. But the thing is, my body has been experiencing it my whole life. I was just unaware of it.  And now, I’m allowing it.

During the meeting with my case manager, she asked what my goals were. And I kept saying, “I don’t know…I’m completely confused. I have no idea what to say to that.”

Finally she replied, “Dennis. You are not confused. You have more awareness about your  illness, symptoms, how to deal with them and self than any client I’ve ever met. So I have to say, what are you confused about?” She said this with a small smile acknowledging that she knew what I was confused about (as all good therapists do. they want YOU to realize it).

And so I did.

 

What am I confused about?

 

I’m confused about the process.

 

I can’t seem to go to the store without throwing up form anxiety and terror. I’m constantly exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I black-out losing hours  of the day at a time. And while I know I need to honor all of this and allow space and compassion, there is still a thought that I “need” to be functional.

 

There is still a part of me that won’t let go and just not judge myself for not being a “productive” person. job, family, etc…I can do it for everyone else. In fact, I’d get upset if someone else in my situation even thought about doing anything else than allowing themselves to heal. So that’s where the confusion lies.

I want to be able to see my kids everyday. I want to be able to go to the store and not throw up. I want to be able to sleep in the same house as my kids and not worry if I’m going to hurt them during a blackout.

In the words of many folks from my lineage, “it doesn’t matter what you want.” This is the process of healing.

And then Julies’ words came into my head wile I was sitting there, “what if everything was o.k.?”

 

And that’s it folks.

 

Everything is o.k. Not in the sense that I feel wonderful and the world is overflowing with love, but that everything that I’m experiencing is o.k.

 

It’s o.k. if I’m freaking out. It’s ok if I feel like dying when everyone is laughing. It’s ok if I feel like laughing when everyone is crying. The reason I’m so messed up right now is because I always told myself that my experience was invalid. That it wasn’t ok to feel, think, experience what I was at that time.So it’s just working all that out right now.

 

The thing is, whatever I am experiencing right now, it’s ok. Everything is ok. And I can rest in that.

My experience of PTSD; a question posed

A fellow blogger asked my experience this morning; soooo;

“I’ve been told that PTSD is a lifelong struggle. I’ve been given the impression that I’m going to have to keep fighting this every day, forever.

I’m looking for some hope. Has anyone here recovered from PTSD? Or well on their way to recovery? Is recovery possible?

Please, share. ”

 

 

Well, it’s hard to say how long it will last/how frequent the episodes are/how intense the flashbacks are, etc.   I myself suffer from blackouts ( among all the other sucking illnesses; Major Depression, DID, Anxiety Disorder, Schizophrenic features, hallucinations, etc,) so I’ll be walking down the street and wake up a day and a half later in another state 🙂 But I usually have have remissions of the blackouts for 6 – 10 months where there are no blackouts. The key is finding the right combination of medicine and therapy. Both the medicine and the therapist have to be a perfect fit.

 

BUT, you do have to realize that in a lot of cases this is a PHYSICAL illness involving brain chemistry. For a lot of people simple therapy will not do alone. It is an illness similar to cancer, lupus, etc. It may be with you the rest of your life, but like folks dealing with those illnesses, a lot of that time can be symptom free as long you follow a medical plan.

Some of the best experiences of my life have been since I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD.  We just have to stick with a treatment plan and allow ourselves space to experience it without shame or self-jugdement. I’m finding the shame (weakness) aspect is huge among our culture regarding PTSD, especially among us former soldiers.

Please feel free to contact me at anytime to discuss anything, even if to only vent frustration.

 

With great love,

Dennis Welch

woihrt@yahoo.com

708-733-3516